Glee and my Dick
by Azara-Rayne18
Summary: Blaine's Dick wants Sebastian, Finn's Puck wants the Hot Little Jewish Girl, Kurt feels like a Salad, and Rachel's Miss Cooter is all aflutter. Fill for the Glee Angst Meme. Klaine, Puckleberry, Finchel, and Seblaine. Based on Starkid's "Me and my Dick".
1. Act 1 Part 1

The morning sun shone through the window, hitting Blaine Anderson's face and pulling him out of sleep. Blaine sat up, stretched, and - because he lived in the world of Glee, where voices are instantly warmed up no matter what time of day - sang out in perfect pitch,

"I wake up in the morning  
>And it's nothing new<br>Run through my mind for hours  
>Still I just want you<p>

You're all I want, you're all I need  
>My love for you<br>Just grows the way you do  
>When I love you<p>

I wanna hold you all night long  
>And cuddle 'till we're blue<br>Hold you in a tight embrace  
>I know it seems taboo<p>

But I have to have you with me now  
>I have to have you quick<br>I love you more than anything  
>My dick!"<p>

Blaine threw his sheets aside, and there he was. Blaine's penis was average sized, a nice healthy pink, the foreskin currently pulled back in erection, and bottomed by two testicles and a soft thatch of curly black hair. Dick stood at attention, beaming at him, "Hello! Good morning, Blaine!"

"Speak of the devil," Blaine said fondly, scooting to the edge of the bed.

"Well, I've been up for a while," Dick said, "But I didn't want to wake you. Your dad walked in… I just said hi."

Blaine started, "Dick, I told you! If you wake up before me and someone comes in, just roll us over onto the side! No one's supposed to see you, especially my dad."

"Geez, Blaine, how's a guy supposed to have a sex-life around here if you keep him covered up all the time? I'm feeling a little stifled."

"You want to have sex with my dad?" Blaine asked, his face a mask of horror.

Dick shrugged, "Maybe." Dick waited until Blaine was thoroughly panicked before saying, "Blaine, I'm kidding! I don't want to have sex with Dad! Mom would ground us. Seriously, though, you've got to punch in that V card sooner or later. I mean you're a senior in high school, never even seen a penis." Blaine opened his mouth to protest, when Dick added, "Someone else's penis."

Blaine bowed his head in virginal shame, "What, you don't think I want to have sex? Has it ever occurred to you, that it's hard for a boy to lose his virginity when he's the biggest loser in school, because he has an out of control dick that always gets me into trouble?"

Dick grinned, rolling his eye, "Blainey... You're not a loser! It's just that nobody really likes you."

"Good grief," Blaine sighed sadly, placing his chin on his hands.

"Aw, I'm sorry," Dick said, "I don't mean to be a dick. But hey, look at the bright side…." And Dick began to sing, "I like being with you."

And because this was the Glee universe, where everyone instantly knows the harmonies to anything anyone else begins to sing, Blaine echoed, in harmony, "I like being with you."

"And you like being with me."

"You like being with me."

They began in unison, "We're just the best of friends as anyone can see." They paused to bounce their heads to the rhythm,

"People say, it's quite unlikely  
>The two of us should stick<br>But I just tell them... hey!  
>It's me and my dick!"<p>

…

Meanwhile, at the Hummel residence, Finn Hudson was having a conversation with him own genitalia. Puck, Finn's large and mohawked member, took a much needed stretch, "Oh, sorry about this, Finn, but I kind of drooled on your sheets last night."

Finn ran to check and sighed, "Come on, I just washed those!"

"Well, sorry, but I'm not the one having dreams about that hot little Jewish girl from school."

"Yeah," Finn sighed, "Rachel." He rubbed his hips unconsciously against the sheets. Puck squirmed.

"You're doing it again, you rapscallion!"

Finn jerked away from the bed, "Well, it's not just about sex. She's cute and fun and intellectual-"

"And hot and little and Jewish, I know!" Puck said. "She's got those dancer legs and those nice, round… boobies!" Puck started trembling, and Finn groaned.

"Oh," Finn sighed, unconsciously crossing his legs to shut off the sensations, "Alright, alright, alright, just calm down," He gripped the bottom of the shaft with his thumb and forefinger, and Puck wilted just a little, "Besides, she's got a boyfriend. They've been dating for three, and she's probably going to get married to him, and have a million little babies that are all hotter and more Jewish than I am." Finn sighed and started getting ready for the day.

…

"I should get ready," Blaine said, looking at his bedside clock.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Dick called, "Where do you think you're going? You have to take care of this; you got me all excited."

"Dick, we don't have time today," Blaine groaned.

"It'll hurt if you don't," Dick pouted.

"Okay." Blaine grabbed on, and the boys sang,

"We'll stick together  
>(We'll stick together)<br>Fight through thick and thin  
>(Fight through thick and thin)<br>If we stay side by side  
>There's no way we can't win<br>Any boy that's out there  
>(Any boy that's out there)<br>Any boy at all  
>(Any boy at all)<br>When he gets going with us  
>He's sure to have a ball!"<p>

Dick kicked one testicle out to the side, then said, "Hey! Watch out with that joke. It's an antique!"

"People say, how do you do it?  
>How can you be so slick?<br>But I just tell them... hey!  
>It's me and my dick!"<p>

Blaine got into position, wrapping his hands around Dick, who shivered in anticipation, "Now, just think about that hot little slutty boy from school."

"Sebastian," Blaine sighed, then sang, "Yeah, there he is."

Dick jerked, "Oh, I see him."

"Leaning on his locker with those big blue eyes," Blaine moaned, "And he's taking off his shirt and his pants."

"Yeah, keep going!"

"And we're doing a sexy-time dance!" Blaine started moving his hand faster, and Dick twitched in response, "He's running his hands down my underpants."

Dick joined in, about to blow, "Buddy this is our chance!"

"Blaine!"

Blaine started and quickly threw the sheets over his still twitching member, "Whoa!"

"Are you ready to go to school?" Kurt's face appeared outside the window.

"Yeah, hold on!" Blaine called back, pulling back the sheets just slightly to give Dick a little air.

"Ugh!" Dick gasped, "Is that gay face Kurt, your gay faced neighbor?" Blaine covered him back up, smothering the words so that Kurt wouldn't hear them. Kurt stood outside the window, clenching his hands together.

"Blaine, I just wanted to let you know that in order to not be late to school we should have left 7 and a half minutes ago!"

"Okay, Kurt, I'll be down in just a second."

"Okay, I'll just be waiting for you outside your house."

"Okay, Kurt, I'll be down in just a second!"

"Okay!" The clack of Kurt's custom made black leather boots sounded on the driveway. Blaine sighed, and let Dick free again.

"Geez, Blaine," Dick sighed, "You have got to get some drapes for that window, I'm sick of all these interruptions. I was just about to - "

"Blaine!" Dick dove for cover again as Kurt reappeared at the window, "I just wanted to let you know that you can take as much time as you need, and if we're late for class… well, I guess that's okay!"

"Okay, okay, fine, Kurt, shut up!" Blaine said sharply. He had his hands pressed against his Dick, creating a pressure that hurt and felt good at the same time.

"Okay!" Kurt disappeared again, and Dick reappeared.

"Is he gone?" Dick moaned.

"Yeah, I'm gone!" Kurt called from the driveway.

"Yeah, he's gone," Blaine said.

Dick jumped in his lap, "Well, let's keep going!"

Blaine shook his head, "No, no, Dick. I'm not in the mood anymore." He shook his head, hands pressed to his side.

"WHA?" Dick gasped, "Why the hell not!"

"Because all I can think about it Kurt, and that's just the least sexy thing that I could think about."

Dick seemed to agree, going limp almost instantly. "Blaine!" He whined, "Now you've got me thinking about him. I'm never going to be able to come now. I'm never going to be able to come ever again!" Blaine gave him a consoling pat, and he didn't even twitch, "Uh, Kurt. He's just like… he's just like a baby penguin. And you know, you're like 'ugh' and it's just 'ugh'. I can't even describe him with words. He's just such a Kurt. He's just a baby penguin, gassy face making Kurt. Ugh."

"Oh, Kurt," Blaine scrunched up his face, "I know exactly what you mean. But come on, we've got to get ready for school. You made me tardy for class three times this week!"

"I hate class," Dick said, "Whatever Blaine, you know we don't go to school for class. We go to school for ASS!" Dick laughed along to his own little joke as the boys got dressed, Blaine tamed his mess of curls, and went out to the car.

In the car, Kurt was nervously checking his hair, and Finn and Puck were deep in conversation.

"I have an idea," Puck said, "Why don't you introduce me to Rachel!" He beamed, pleased with his plan, but Finn shook his head. "It'd be fun! All you'd have to do is cut a hole in this box, put me in the box, and then give it to Rachel. And she'll open the box and I'll pop out and say, 'HELLO! Big sausage pizza!"

"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard," Finn said.

"What?" Puck said.

"One, she has a boyfriend," Finn said, "Two; she probably won't even open the box!"

"That's ridiculous," Puck said, "Of course she'll open the box, Jewish girls love pizza! In fact, the only thing Jewish girls love more than pizza is big sausage pizza. No?"

"No," Finn said.

"Fine, you don't like that idea. I've got a million of them. So, you really like this Rachel girl, huh?"

"Yeah," Finn said, "More than anything. She's the girl of my dreams."

"Well, Finn I want you to be happy, because when you're happy, I'm happy. I'm your dick, I love you! And I know that I sometimes get you into hilarious misadventures, but I just want you to know that I'm always going to be there for ya."

Finn smiled, "Yeah."

"So, what do you say that we taking life by the shaft and start grabbing it by the balls! So, who cares if Rachel has a boyfriend? Screw that asshole! Why does he deserve Rachel more than us? That's right; we're going to win her over. Finn, I'm going to get you laid if I have to do it myself!"

"Thanks buddy," Finn said, "Up top!" And he gave Puck a very gentle high five.

Just then, Blaine Anderson ran up to the door and sat next to him, "Hey, Finn."

"Hey, Blaine!"

"Puck," Dick said politely.

"Dick," Puck nodded back.

And because this is the Glee universe and everyone knew the same songs and had perfect timing, the boys all began singing,

"People say, it's quite unlikely  
>The two of us should stick<br>But I just tell them... hey!  
>It's me and my dick<br>(I like being with you)  
>It's me and my dick<br>(We'll stick together)  
>It's me and my dick<br>Hey, man…  
>It's me and my dick!"<p> 


	2. Act 1 Part 2

Kurt walked through the doors of Mckinley high school and paused. "Sigh," He said dramatically, "Blaine Anderson. Late again, in the nick of time, huh? Jeepers… that Blaine Anderson really makes me feel funny. Right here," he placed a hand over his heart, "right here," he patted his stomach, "… and right here…" Kurt's hand traveled down to his zipper, gently patting the warm bulge beneath it.

Kurt's penis shuffled a little, and asked, in a loud southern accent, "My, my, my is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

"Oh, Peter, it's just you," Kurt said, smiling down at his own long, thin penis, "I am not hot at all, in any sense of the word."

"Are you sure?" Peter asked, attempting to fan himself by flopping around as much as possible, "Cause I am sure the sun is burning particularly bright this morning. I could go for a tall glass of lemonade, I am sweating like a stuck pig." And he was, the sweat dripping down the shaft and lightly covering his balls. Kurt sighed.

"Peter, it has nothing to do with temperature. You're just excitable, and a little antsy."

"And frustrated," Peter snapped back.

"What?" Kurt asked, "Why?"

"Because, Kurt," Peter said, "Every day when we go to school and we're walking down the halls or changing in the locker room, I see all the other boys with their little peters and they seem so happy and free. I don't know – aflutter. Twitter pated."

"Peter," Kurt rolled his eyes, "We can't do things like other boys. I mean, in case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of a freak of nature." Peter scoffed. "No, I'm gay, and gangly, and I've got these big dumb feet. I'm like the ugly duckling, except I never turn into a swan. Just an ugly duck."

"Well, that's your problem right there, Mr. Hummel," Peter said, "It's that attitude of yours. You act like you've been licked before you even started fighting."

"Well, I guess I could try to be more positive," Kurt said flatly.

"That's the spirit! Now, you tell me what is one thing you desire most in this whole cosmos."

Kurt blushed, "Well…"

"Come on, Kurt, just say it. You've got a gosh dang shrine devoted to him in your locker."

Kurt thought about his Courage collage and grinned, "Blaine Anderson."

"You should snatch him up like the last bit of cheesecake!" Peter reached up to poke Kurt in the stomach.

"Oh, I don't know, Peter," Kurt pushed him back down, "I don't know that he likes me like that. Why would he?" And he sang – of course –

"Look at me, with my trousers so tight  
>You'd think that I might explode, right?<br>Look at me, with my arms in a twist  
>Not alarming I missed the right road<p>

Peter joined in,

"It's not to late  
>To turn around<br>And find a better way."

Kurt thought about that, adding,

"It's not up to fate  
>To lay the groundwork<br>For a better day!"

"You gotta, shake it up  
>Put your hair down darlin'"<br>Peter sang,  
>"You really need to unwind" <p>

"I gotta pick it up  
>'Cause my life is calling<br>Me on the other line

It's time to start over  
>And today is like<br>The first day of the year

So get that chip off my shoulder  
>Cause its weighing me down<br>And keeping you right here." 

Peter sang,  
>"I want to get out<br>See the great big world out there

It's time to set out  
>'Cause I feel<br>There's something in the air

I might be losing my mind  
>But there's one thing that I know:<br>That I'm finally ready  
>So ready to go!" <p>

Kurt ripped of his jacket, prompting an excited, "There he goes, y'all!" from Peter, and sang,  
>"Yeah, I'm finally ready<br>So ready to..."

"Yo! You ready to go or what?" And there he was, Blaine Anderson in all of his handsome, well-coiffed glory. Peter gave a leap in Kurt's trousers and groaned, frustrated by the tight material holding him back.

"Yeah!" Kurt said, "Alright, let's go."

Kurt walked with Blaine down the hall, Peter bouncing in front of him and saying, "Mr. Hummel, there he is! You've got to show him what you're made of!"

"Ummm, Blaine?" Kurt asked, "I wanted to ask you, umm… Ask if you, ummm…" Goodness, he was so handsome, thick dark eyebrows and a chiseled jawline. Kurt lost the words faster than he could say them.

Dick listened with disgust, "You see?" He said to Blaine, "This is exactly what I'm talking about it's like… salad." The word came like a light bulb going off in his head. Salad was the perfect word to describe Kurt he was just all green and willowy and nutritious and just not appealing at all.

"I wanted to know if… If you wanted to be chemistry partners with me." The words rushed out of Kurt in a breath. He tried to take in more air, but Blaine was looking at him, and he couldn't seem to remember how to breathe.

"Poetry," Peter said, "That'll be sure to set his heart afire, come on."

"… Yeah, sure," Blaine said, looking away. Kurt's penis and heart leaped.

"Okay, well, we're supposed to do this project on several of the elements on the periodic table, and I was thinking we could do one on a saleable compound such as silver nitrate, for example, AgNO3. Except we could make ours fun and interesting because we could do a film noir detective type story between the elements…"

…

Meanwhile, Finn was standing outside his locker with Puck, suddenly nervous and fussing one last time with his hair.

"Hey Puck, does  
>My hair look alright?"<p>

"Hell yeah, buddy  
>You're a sight to see."<p>

Finn sighed, "'Kay good.

Listen up  
>Just try to relax,<br>Cause a mishap's  
>The last thing I need<p>

I wanna rise up  
>To the next level<br>Get off this middle ground

I've got this yearnin'  
>Burnin' like the devil<br>I'm here for the rebound

Pass the ball  
>I know I'm on fire!"<p>

"Yeah, yeah  
>You're on a roll!"<p>

"I know!"

Puck bowed,  
>"What do you want<br>From your kingdom, sire?"

Finn grinned,  
>"I wanna take control!...<p>

I need a brand new game plan  
>No more warming benches<br>Like I've done before."

"Get your head in the game, man!"  
>Puck sang, "Here's what I'm thinking"<p>

Finn grabbed him to shut him up,

"Shit, she's coming  
>Out that door!"<p>

Rachel strolled out of the Spanish room, long Jewish hair flowing in the wind and big brown Jewish eyes. Puck and Finn sighed musically in unison as Rachel took out a tube of lipgloss and dabbed her perfect Jewish lips, blowing a kiss to the wind. Finn sighed, and began to sing, slowly, because this is the Glee universe and the tempo of the song changes with emotion,

"Say yes, Rachel yes, I must confess  
>Of my obsession with your design<br>I will not rest, no, not unless  
>I find a way to make you mine<p>

I'm gonna get her  
>If it's the last thing<br>That I do".

Puck spoke up,  
>"But just remember<br>You can't get her  
>Without me too!"<p>

The boys finished in unison,  
>"So buckle up, all you amateurs<br>'Cause today were goin' pro  
>We're finally ready<br>So ready to go!"

…

"… And it's only when the silver and the nitrogen find all three oxygens that they're able to solve the case!" Kurt shrieked.

"Slow down, honey," Peter said, patting a calming ball against his thigh.

"Blaine," Kurt finally followed his crushes eyes to where Sebastian was standing in the corner, "Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's awesome, it's cool," Blaine was not listening. He was too busy concentrating on the way Dick practically fainted with disappointment as his attention turned to Kurt.

Kurt grinned with relief, "Sigh, Blaine Anderson. Come on, let's go to homeroom!"


	3. Act 1 Part 3

Sebastian Smythe walked down the halls of McKinley High School with a remarkably meerkat-like smirk. Sebastian transferred to McKinley because this is the world of Glee, and deciding to transfer schools is as easy as taking off a blazer. He felt a buzzing in his pocket - his left pocket, so he knew it wasn't the vibrating bullet he kept in his right - and pulled out his cell phone. A picture of his best friend Brittany filled the phone screen, and he answered the call, "Hello."

"Hey, Sebas," Brittany sang brightly, "OMG, would you guess that I'm not wearing undies today?"

"Ew," Sebastian didn't mean to be rude, but... vagina. He sang back,

"Oh Britt  
>LOL, what's the diff?<br>You would still  
>Take them off anyway."<p>

Brittany laughed, "IKR..."  
><strong><br>**"BTW..." Sebastian said, and they sang in unison.

"Where are you right now?"  
><strong><br>**"We need to talk..." Brittany said. Sebastian looked up and saw her walking up around the corner, arm and arm with their close friend, Rachel Berry.  
><strong><br>**"Oh, I totes see you!" Sebastian called.  
><strong><br>**"BRB. Ciao, ciao!"

Deep in his trousers, Jeremiah, Sebastian's dick, was shifting with boredom. No one had jerked him off today, so Jeremiah was feeling a bit antsy. Well, Sebastian was talking to Rachel and Brittany, so he might as well peek out and had a chat with his friends at the same time. He didn't have to worry about getting hard because... vaginas.

He peeked out and instantly was greeted by Brittany's plump lips, which were covered with a healthy bush of curly blonde hair, better tended than the long crop of blonde hair he had around his base. "How's you doing, Jeremiah?" The vagina said in a deep, dull sort of voice.

"Oh, hey there, you Old Snatch." Jeremiah said, "And how are you Miss Cooter?"

"Great, thanks!" The young vagina was such a virgin, Jeremiah noted with a smirk. Long, untended dark hair, a boisterous personality, full of dreams about the perfect pecker headed her way. Still, she did have a nice personality.

Brittany, meanwhile, was deep in conversation with her friends, "So, you know how the football team had their after party at my house this weekend?"

"Yeah?" Sebastian's eyebrows rose. He was always hungry for the freshest gossip.

"I hooked up with the quarterback," Brittany said, beaming. Sebastian nodded approvingly. Rachel's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Really? I heard you hooked up with the running back."

"Oh, yeah!" Brittany said, "Him too!"

"Sounds like you had a rough weekend," Jeremiah muttered conspiratorially as their owners exchanged high fives.

The Old Snatch waved him off, "Oh, it's just business as usual at the chateau de Britt. I tell ya, I've been with so many members of the football team, they're gonna give me an honorary position."

"Oh, yeah?" Miss Cooter said, "What position are they going to give you?"

"Wide Reciever!" And The Old Snatch dissolved into heavy cackles.

"Oh!" Miss Cooter blushed.

Jeremiah leaned in, "I thought you was gonna say 'Tight End'."

"It's been a long time since I've been a tight anything," The Old Snatch joked. "Ah, who am I kidding; what position haven't I tried?" And she began to sing,

"When you've been around  
>The block as much as I have<br>You feel just like a CEO."

"Oh, how's that?" Miss Cooter asked, "That must feel nice."  
><strong><br>**The Old Snatch shook her labia,

"You see, I'm done with all these cocks  
>But they're not lettin' me retire<br>I tell ya, I'm ready to go!"

"Britt, you've got to stop playing with all these different guys," Rachel said, "They have... feelings, you know?"

Brittany laughed, joined by Sebastian. "Oh, we're just having fun! I guess you don't know what that's like, because you're into that whole 'relationship' thing."

"Yep," Rachel said, "That's me, Miss Monogamy."

"Let me tell ya something, sweetie!" Just because there's only one horse in the stable doesn't mean he don't kick!"

"Jeremiah!" The Old Snatch said reproachfully, "I didn't know you was into horse riding?"

"What, I - I ain't!" Jeremiah shrieked, "Some horse has been riding me. I tell you, Old Snatch, you're lucky!"

"Oh, I'm lucky?"

"Yeah, you are!"

"Oh, I'm lucky!"

"Yeah, you're lucky!"

"Me!" The Old Snatch said, "Well, this oughta be rich, why's that?"

"Well, let me tell ya!" Jeremiah said,

"It's like living the same way  
>That an old pair of shoes do<br>Every day's a one man show!

They start to stink, and then there's holes,  
>And they don't fit the way they used to<br>I've had it! I'm ready to go!"

"Look at us," The Old Snatch cried,  
>"We're just a couple of stiffs..."<p>

"Now you're just being cute!"

"With a lifetime of ifs..."

"Don't be so hard on us."

**"**And I wonder  
>With someone else<br>Could life be more fair?"

**"**Yeah!" Jeremiah sang, "I mean it's not like  
>We're some one-dick pony..."<p>

**"**Oh, now who's being cute?"

**"**We could be more if only..."

And Miss Cooter watched as the vagina and penis sang in unison.

"Someone out there  
>Would answer our prayer!<p>

Whiles we's waits to be delivered  
>Go ahead, cry me a river<br>We agree that there's  
>No quid pro quo!"<p>

**"**So until that great vacation..."

**"**Save your tears for lubrication!"

**"**Have mercy,  
>are we ready to go?<br>Mercy, are we ready to go..."

"So," Brittany said, turning to Sebastian, "What's up with you and Dave? You guys drove separate Jeep Ranglers to school today. Is everything okay?"

"Oh, she shouldn't have said that!" Jeremiah said.

"No, it's not, Brittany," Sebastian said, his voice tiny, "Dave and I actually... broke up." Rachel and Brittany gasped.

"Here come the waterworks," Jeremiah said.

"Pinkie swear that you won't spread this around?" Sebastian said, extending his pinkies to the girls in front of him. Both latched on eagerly, "I heard from Santana that Tina was with Mercedes when they saw Dave... cheating on me."

"It's, like, the best thing that's ever happened to me," Jeremiah said, "It's like I'm on vacation!"

"Well, you aren't the only one who's breaking up," Rachel said quietly.

"Wha!" The pair turned to her, gasping in unison.

"He told me it wasn't working," Rachel said, "Because we haven't had sex yet, and he doesn't think we ever will." Sebastian nodded sadly with her, and Brittany stared between her two friends, her mouth hanging open as she processed this new information.

"You didn't tell us that you had broken up!" Jeremiah cried, turning to Miss Cooter.

"I didn't know!" The vagina said, turning pale underneath her dark hair, "Why, it just can't be true! We were so close, I know it!"

"W... T... Fuck!" Brittany shrieked, dropping their pinkies. "Those assholes!" She pointed at Sebastian, "You know what you need to do, you need to re-cheat that motherfucker for the win! And Rachy, we need to get you laid."

"What?" Rachel said.

"You need to find guys!" Brittany said.

"What?" Miss Cooter gasped. Jeremiah was equally dismayed.

"Why do I feel like I'm going to get the short end of this stick?" He said.

"Very short, very short," The Old Snatch agreed.

"And not just any guy," Brittany said to Sebastian, "A guy who's very existence would drive Dave insane. He should be, like, a total loser. And Rachel, yours should have a bit of a mushy tummy, a definite step down. Like..." She paused and saw Blaine Anderson and Finn Hudson, standing awkwardly by each other, each muttering down at their pants like a couple of wackos. "Those guys!"

"Blaine Anderson?" Sebastian said.

"Finn Hudson?" Rachel said.

"They're perfect!" Brittany crowed, "This is going to be so epic!"

"I don't know," Rachel said, "I don't think I could just hook up with some random guy..."

Sebastian nodded, "And I can't do that to Dave."

"Ah, ah, ah!" Brittany interrupted, "Epic. Revenge.

"Listen up!  
>Sebastian, sweetie<br>I do this 'cause I care."

**"**I know," Sebastian and Rachel said. Brittany grabbed both their hands.

**"**This is war  
>Forget your peace treaty<br>Justice is right over there!"

**"**I guess I could use a new guy  
>'Cause it's been a while<br>And I am still so young," Sebastian sang.

Rachel joined in, "Why not give it a try?  
>At the very least it<br>Could be kind of fun."

Brittany beamed, "Hey now, Rachel  
>That's the girl<br>I know and love."  
><strong><br>**"I've been so boring  
>Boy I'm glad...<br>I had a little shove!" Rachel sang, and her friends joined in,

**"**Tick, tock  
>While the iron's hot<br>There's no time  
>To take it slow<p>

You gotta be ready  
>So ready to."<p>

And because this is the universe of Glee, and everyone knows when to come in on a song with no previous instruction, every major character joined in.

"Go...

I'm ready to go... Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh  
>I'm ready to go... Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh<br>I'm ready to go... Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh

We're finally ready  
>And the time is right<br>For us to light a spark

Were keepin' it steady  
>With our eyes on the prize<br>To get us through the dark

I know there's so much more  
>To what I think I see<br>I feel a change, and the  
>Strange thing is... it's part of me!<p>

My hormones are freakin' out  
>And I think I'm gonna blow!"<br>**  
><strong>"We're locked and loaded..." Blaine, Dick, Finn and Puck cried.

"Oh, so devoted..." Peter and Kurt cooed.  
><strong><br>**"Low and demoted..." Jeremiah and The Old Snatch commiserated.  
><strong><br>**"Totes, just toted..." Rachel, Brittany, and Sebastian yelled, interlocking pinkies. And everyone finished;  
><strong><br>**"We're finally ready  
>So ready to go! Yeah!"<p> 


	4. Act 1 Part 4

Meanwhile, just down the hall, Peter was giving Kurt a pep-talk. "Now, sugar," Peter said, "We need to figure out what we're gonna do about Blaine. I'm all aflutter in the gutter, if you know what I mean."

Kurt did know what Peter meant. But...

"Oh, Peter," Kurt sighed, "I don't know what to say to him."

"Well, it's easy," Peter said, "Say, 'Blaine Joseph Anderson. I am desperately in love with you. And if you had half a brain, you would sweep me off my feet and _carry_ me to some... Caribbean island. And make wild, passionate love to me until I die a naked and sexy death!"

Kurt trembled, his mind awhirl with the possibilities. "I'm going to ask him if he wants to study tonight!" He cried.

"I generally don't approve of books, but..." Peter sighed; Kurt was already stalking towards Blaine like some sort of hunter. If hunters came in baby penguin form. "... Alright."

Blaine was standing beside Kurt's stepbrother. Kurt straightened himself up to his full height, smoothing his hands along the lapels of his Anna Sui original design suit coat. He gave Blaine his patented sexy snarl. Blaine didn't see it, but that was okay, because it was the thought that counted, right? Kurt breathed out and said, in his breathiest sexy voice, "Um, Blaine?"

Blaine and Dick turned to Kurt in unison. Not that they had a choice, since Dick was literally attached to Blaine's front, but it was the thought that counted, right?

"Yeah," Blaine said.

"Ugh," Dick groaned. He needed to vent his frustrations, and Blaine was busy. So he traipsed out and leaned into the nearest living thing. "Hey, man. Who ordered the Salad, right?"

"Please don't touch me with your penis," Jacob Ben Israel said. A small crowd quickly formed around a red faced Blaine. "Blaine Anderson touched me with his dick!"

"I heard Blaine Anderson ate his poop once because his dick told him to," Lauren Zizes said.

"I heard Blaine Anderson cries in the choir room," Quinn Fabray added. The group dissolved into laughter and walked away, insulting Blaine as they left.

"He's such a loser!"

"His dick looks like Joe Walker!"

"Dick!" Blaine cried, grabbing the misbehaving member. Dick tried to apologize but was ignored as Kurt continued to try and get Blaine's attention.

"Blaine..."

"What!" Blaine rounded on him.

"I - Um.." Kurt had lost his nerve. But Blaine was staring at him impatiently, and Peter was whispering, 'Caribbean sex... Caribbean sex...' "I WANT TO HAVE CARIBBEAN STUDY WITH YOU!"

Kurt's shout was met by Finn staring at him and Blaine shaking his head, "Kurt... that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. For one thing, I'm not even in World Cultures with you, okay? Weren't you talking about some chem project earlier?"

Kurt was too distracted by the hand Blaine had put on his shoulder to answer, and suddenly all three boys were interrupted by Brittany Pierce.

"Did somebody say, 'chem project'?" Brittany said, "Because we were just discussing it. So, who are you guys going to partner with?"

Finn and Blaine seemed mesmerized by Rachel and Sebastian, who flanked Brittany on either side. They left Kurt alone to say, "Well, actually, Blaine and I were going to-"

"Because Rachel and Sebastian need partners really, really, badly," Brittany said, throwing her arms around her friends. Sebastian and Rachel nodded in unison.

"No more partners, please!" Jeremiah moaned quietly.

"So, listen, Finn," Rachel said, egged on by two pairs of hands pushing her forward, "I was thinking we could partner up."

She stared at Finn expectantly, who seemed to be lost. "What a... whadda... wha ... dda... whadda 'bout Jesse?"

Rachel stood primly, "Jesse and I broke up, actually."

Sebastian jumped forward to grab her hand, "And Dave and I as well."

Blaine and Finn looked down to their cocks, then back at their loves, "WHA?"

"Oh, yeah," Brittany said, "And aren't your parents gone all weekend, Sebastian. That would be the perfect time for you and Blaine to work on this _alone_ in the master bedroom. You know, the one with the mirror on the ceiling?"

"Oh!" Puck leaned to Dick, "Mirrors! His parents are kinky, man! That's an inherited trait!" Dick bounced with excitement while Puck turned his attention to Finn, "Okay, Finn. This is most important day of your life. Don't fuck it up!" And the pair stood tall and proud, facing back to the Golden Trio of sex before them.

"Sebastian and I would be partners," Brittany was saying, "But sometimes the teachers are prejudiced against you when you work with your BFF. And they grade you better when you work with someone you don't like. So I was thinking we should work together, Kurt."

"Actually, B-Blaine and I were going to work..." Kurt said, but Blaine was stepping in front of him before he could finish.

"You know what?" Blaine said, "I think that sounds great."

"Yeah," Finn said, spurred by on by Puck, "I think - I couldn't think of a more convenient pairing for anyone involved."

"Oh, yeah? Great," Sebastian said, "You could come over today after school and start working if you want."

Brittany pushed Rachel forward, and she gave Finn her most sultry stare. "Come over around... five?"

"Yes, good," Finn said, slowly rubbing his hands together and staring at her with glassy eyes.

"Okay," Rachel said, "S-see you then?"

"Yes, good."

And the trio walked away, Finn following them with a dazed look, as though he wasn't quite sure where he was going.

"Oh, my gosh," Blaine said as soon as the group walked out of sight, "This is the most incredible thing that's ever happened." He embraced Dick, which may have been a bit risky in a public hallway, but the only person standing there was Salad Kurt, and he didn't matter, except... Blaine rounded on him, "Kurt!"

"You do not let this boy off the hook, Kurt," Peter said. Kurt turned to Blaine, still vaguely stunned.

"Thank. you. so. much!" Blaine said, "You don't know how big this is for me. I mean, I have had the biggest, secret-est crush on Sebastian for as long as I can remember. And, you know, when you work on a school project with someone... there is just so much more going on there! I imagine this is how most married couples met, working on school projects just like these. Oh, thank you so much for giving all that up so that I can have that with Sebastian and not with you."

"Oh, no problem, Blaine. Anything for you." Kurt said in a tight little voice that was close to tears.

"Yes!" Dick cried.

"No." Peter pouted.

"You're amazing," Blaine said, and he enveloped Kurt in a tight hug.

Now, at that moment, the universe conspired to make a few very specific circumstances fall into place. For one, Blaine Anderson was just a little bit shorter than Kurt Hummel. And as anyone who has been in this situation knows, when a just slightly shorter person hugs you very tightly, certain... anatomical features come into contact. Secondly, in his bid to impress Blaine, Kurt Hummel had decided to wear his very best kilt in the... ahem... traditional manner. That is, sans undies. Thirdly, Blaine Anderson was wearing his very loosest boxers and Dick, in his excitement, was just barely poking through.

And Dick came head to head with the most beautiful cock he had ever laid eye on.

"Oh..." Dick murmured.  
><strong><br>**"Oh..." Peter blushed, a fine red tint coming into the tight, healthy skin. He was big, Dick realized with a jolt of appreciation, much bigger than he'd expected for... wait. Who was up there again?

**"**I'm sorry, I didn't-" Dick began.  
><strong><br>**"Gee, it's fine."  
><strong><br>**"I mean I hope you-"

**"**I'm alright," Peter sang, because this is the world of Glee, and even dicks are musical.  
><strong><br>**"I didn't mean to-" Dick started, but then this lovely, amazing, beautiful cock was just barely touching him, and the world threatened to disappear.  
><strong><br>**"My name is Peter," He whispered.  
><strong><br>**"I'm Dick," Dick sighed, and then he sang, in a lovely voice, because this is Blaine Anderson, and even his dick is an exceptional vocalist,

"You've been here before, I think."

"Who, me?" Peter said softly.  
><strong><br>**"You slip by each time I blink."

"Couldn't be." Peter blushed even harder.

**"**Yes," Dick sang, "I've seen you around here before."

**"**I thought you had never looked," Peter sang.

**"**What? How?" How could Dick have missed this beautiful paramour of cockliness?

**"**But I knew that I was hooked."

And he wanted Dick back? Now it was Dick's turn to blush, "Now, now."

**"**Yes, I've seen you around here before."  
><strong><br>**And the pair began singing in unison,

"All the time just knowing  
>Not knowing how I knew<br>I've had a funny feeling about you

Thinking it was hopeless  
>I told love, adieu...<p>

But then we touched  
>And you came into view..."<p>

Above them, Blaine and Kurt continued what was, by this time, a very long hug. They were just barely aware of their dicks conducting a subtle dance of love in their trousers. Dick and Peter continued to sing.

"All the time just knowing  
>Not knowing how I knew<br>I've had a funny feeling about you

Always wanting something  
>That something was you..."<p>

**"**I've never felt quite like this," Dick admitted.

"Is that true?" Peter breathed.

**"**I could be about to piss!" Dick declared.

**"**Look at you." Peter said, watching appreciatively as Dick swelled to full size before him. Then the pair finished in a soft, sultry harmony.

**"**Yes, I've seen you around here before..."

'Wow, hugging Kurt sure is nice,' Blaine thought vaguely. Everything felt warm and happy; though Blaine did not know that his penis had experienced love at first sight, the aftershocks were making their way through his body, 'He smells nice, and there's something poking... well, I should poke back, that's only polite... WHOA!'

Blaine and Kurt jumped apart, but the damage was done.

"Blaine Anderson..." Kurt stuttered with stars in his eyes.

Blaine grabbed his dick in horror, "What is this? What are you doing?"

"This guy has a boner, now!" Jacob Ben Israel had returned just in time, "Blaine Anderson is Wiener Wild!"

"Dammit," Blaine said, "I have to go, bye!"

And he ran down the hall to calculus, leaving Kurt to stand in the hall. The voluminous material of his kilt was just barely hiding Kurt's own arousal; a good thing, as he was doing little to hide it himself. "Wow," He breathed, "Did you feel that?"

"Did you mean... that little prick?" Peter beamed, "Or cupid's arrow in my buttock? ... Yeah, I felt it."


	5. Act 1 Part 5

Later that night, Rachel sat alone in her room. Her small Jewish hands were trembling, and her pretty Jewish teeth were chewing on her pretty Jewish bottom lip. Tonight was the night she was finally going to lose her virginity… and to Finn Hudson of all people! It was almost too much to believe.

A knock came at her door, and Brittany walked in. "Hey, Rachel, Ray-Ray, my little Ray of sunshine. I've got a surprise for you, hold on," And Brittany darted just outside the doorway. The Old Snatch looked after her in a tired sort of way before turning towards Miss Cooter.

Rachel's vagina was silently fuming, pouting beneath the waistband of Rachel's short skirt like no one had ever seen a vagina pout before. The Old Snatch tutted quietly.

"Miss Cooter, what's with the long face?" The Old Snatch asked, "I mean, I have seen some sour pusses in my day, but you…. You take the cake."

"I am upset with Rachel," Miss Cooter said sourly, "And I am not speaking to her."

"Still sore about that new dick coming your way?" The Old Snatch said. Miss Cooter sniffed. "Well, I can't blame you. I'm still sore from the last one."

Brittany chose that moment to return to the room, bearing a large box of assorted devices, none of which Miss Cooter or Rachel had ever seen before. "So, I was kind of afraid you might go all Lord Tubbington on me and have a spazz attack, so I brought you something that's totes going to get you through this. Da da da da!" She sang.

"What's that?" Rachel asked.

"It's a box of all the essential tools you need to make any guy go Lady Gaga in a matter of minutes!" Brittany crowed, "Have a look see!" She rummaged around for a moment and pulled out a pair of plain handcuffs. "Ooooo, these always work in kinky time."

"Oh, you know, mmmm…"

"No?" Brittany asked. Rachel shook her head. Brittany dropped them back into the box. "No, no. But, the coupe de grande… the guy at the liquor store totally has the jailbait hots for me aaaand sold me this!" Brittany reached into the box and took out a green case of bottles. She beamed at Rachel, filled with pride in her accomplishment.

"What's that?"

"It's beer, you fucking hipster!" Brittany said, "If the night is turning into an epic fail, drink a couple of these and you'll win, win, win!" Rachel took the case, staring at it as though it were about to bite her. Brittany jumped up and down in excitement, "Oh, I'm so corrupting you right now and I love it! Oh, but I do got to go. I told that Kurt girl I'd meet her at the library. But good luck! And text me once you start fucking!"

"Yeah, okay," Rachel said.

Miss Cooter watched Brittany begin to leave, eyeing the box with disdain, "Oh, this is just fine. I'm about to be reduced to a sperm motel!"

The Old Snatch sighed, "Miss Cooter, face it. That's how it always turns out for us broads." Miss Cooter frowned, filled with dramatic angst. She was, after all, the vagina of one Miss Rachel Berry. "Just keep a stiff outer lip, and try to enjoy it before you go completely numb inside. I mean that literally."

"Sure," Miss Cooter frowned, discouraged.

"Toodles, doll."

"Okay," Miss Cooter said, "Don't be a stranger."

"Never." And then Brittany turned a corner and the Old Snatch disappeared from view.

"So, Sebastian, what's your plan here?"

"Well," Sebastian said coldly, "Blaine's coming over soon and we're supposed to be studying."

"Oh, studying, yeah," Jeremiah said. "Okay, cool…. You got condoms in that box?"

Sebastian shrugged, trying to be nonchalant, "Yeah."

"Huh!" Jeremiah said, "Why do you need condoms for studying all of the sudden, why?"

"I don't know, Jeremiah!" Sebastian cried, turning to appeal to his dick. "Look, I have to do something to get back at Dave. I just – I look at him and I get these pains in my chest, I can't eat. I can't sleep…"

"You think you've got it bad?" Jeremiah said, "Try getting a full eight hours when you're being pounded by penises."

"Oh, Jeremiah, look," Sebastian said, "Just… This is very important to me. Maybe to get back at Dave, maybe to prove to myself that I can get with someone who isn't him, so would you please just try to be nice, and help me out here a little." Sebastian grabbed Jeremiah at the base and caressed his shaft, knowing that hardened his penis quicker than anything.

Jeremiah twitched, beginning to swell, "This really means a lot to ya, huh?"

"Yes, it does," Sebastian said.

"Well, when you look at me with those puppy dog eyes, what am I supposed to do? Okay, yes, alright, I'll do it." Jeremiah waved himself at Sebastian in submission, bouncing when Sebastian began jumping for joy.

"Yay! Thanks, Jeremiah!"

"Just remember, I'm doing it for you," Jeremiah said, "Not some nasty old penis."

Sebastian stroked him, touched, "You are the best penis I ever had."

"Tell me about it," Jeremiah groaned. "Now let me dust off a few of my old tricks, and maybe I'll pick up a tip or two from that hip young Liza Minelli." Hey, he was a gay penis. Sebastian giggled. Hey, he was a gay man.

"Let's go practice in front of the mirror."

"Just like the old days," Jeremiah said, reminiscing about the time when Sebastian's hand was all they needed. He wondered what the penis headed his way was going to be like….

Dick, meanwhile, was fantasizing about a penis, but it wasn't Jeremiah. He sighed internally, thinking only about Peter. He wondered if Peter was going to be pleasured tonight. Suddenly, nothing about Kurt was boring or unappealing, and Dick felt a tiny bit of blood surge through him at the thought of Kurt's soft hand wrapping around them, joining them together, letting their cum mix as they exploded in unison….

Peter was probably so cute when he came.

Blaine could tell his penis was distracted, but he chalked it up to the ensuing loss of their virginity. He packed his bag feverishly, sure he was forgetting something, "Hey, dude, do you think 24 condoms will be enough for one night? I mean, how often do you replace them, like every two or three minutes or so?"

"Yeah, I think so," Dick shrugged.

"But, hmmm," Blaine tried to think through his arousal, "I'll throw in another thirty pack. Just in case we'll have to go into overtime, you know what I mean?" Dick smiled, not really paying attention. He tried to remember the exact pinkish red shade of Peter's head. He didn't think his memory was doing it justice. "Hey, have you seen my body spray?"

"Oh, yeah," Dick said, "I think it's underneath your silk robe."

"Oh, yeah, can't forget this." Blaine grabbed them both and shoved them into his bulging backpack.

Dick gathered his courage, "Hey, Blaine…. I just wanted to apologize for earlier."

"Yeah," Blaine said, "When you jump out of my pants and touch a kid?" In his sex induced euphoria, it seemed almost funny to look back on. "Come on, dude, at least, you know, make it a hot guy."

Dick laughed, "Yeah…. But actually, I, uh. I was talking about Kurt."

"Kurt?" Blaine asked. Dick nodded, "Oh, come on, dude. You don't have to apologize for that. I'm used to getting boners at really, really, re-really, really inappropriate times, so… you know. At least it was with someone I care nothing about." Because he didn't care about Kurt. At all. Not those gorgeous eyes or that cute little sense of humor or that trim waist… It was all just a distraction from Sebastian. Yep.

"Yeah, okay," Dick said. That could have been the end of it, but Dick's courage pressed him forward. "But, you know, um… you guys… you guys hugged so close that I actually, uh… well, I actually met his Peter."

A faint piano melody seemed to be playing on the breeze rolling through their window, but Blaine didn't notice it. "His what?"

"His Peter," Dick sighed. Now that the words were out, he was free to remember that beautiful penis as fully as he wished. "He's actually a really nice penis."

"Yeah," Blaine said, caught between arousal, fury and hilarity. Dick nodded.

"And he's super sassy, and he's got this cute Southern accent. And he's got long, beautiful flowing hair."

"…. On his penis?" Blaine asked. Dick nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah…. It works somehow…. Speaking of which, I think Kurt is dying his hair."

"Ugh," Blaine said.

"Which reminds me that, uh, maybe," Dick said, gathering up the last of his courage, "maybe we shouldn't completely rule out having, uh, sex with, uh, Kurt."

Blaine laughed, "Having sex with Kurt? Salad Kurt?"

"Yeah," Dick said.

"That's- that's disgusting, are you nuts?"

"A little," Dick shook his testicles for emphasis.

"Listen," Blaine said, shaking his head, "Dick, I know that was the closest thing you've come to a penis since you came out of one. It was an obscenely close hug, and I apologize. But, no matter how much you like that Peter, he is always going to be the fork to a larger salad." Dick nodded reluctantly, which Blaine took as his cue to continue, "With spinach, and beets and little carrots and all that other shit we don't eat. We have been waiting for years for a moment like this buddy," Blaine shoved a rolled up pair of socks in next to Dick – which, by the way, was the only way he wore socks – "Years! If you like Kurt's Peter, just think how great Sebastian's is gonna be. It's going to be the most glorious, gracious, delicious fillet mignon of a cock you have ever seen."

"Oh," Dick nearly swooned, swelling immediately. Better than Peter? How amazing could a penis like that be?

"And he's gonna be on the plate with the mashed potatoes and the veggies, and I'm gonna mix them all together with the fillet mignon. And you'll eat a little bite. And you'll get a little veggie in there, even though you don't like veggies you're gonna eat it cause it tastes so good. And then you're gonna have the gravy, cut up the fillet mignon and it's pink, it's gonna be great!"

"Oh," Dick twitched, "Pink!" He bounced for joy.

"I know," Blaine said, "Trust me, it's gonna be awesome."

"You're right, Blaine," Dick said, "I don't know what I was thinking." Peter couldn't have been that great, not with a cock like Sebastian's out there.

"Great," Blaine said, running a comb through his helmet of gelled hair. "I'm trying to get in the sexy time now. And I need to know that you're on my side."

"Blaine!" Dick said, "I'm your dick! I'm always on your side. We're an unstoppable force! We're like Batman and Robin. Or Superman and his Dick." Blaine nodded, grinning. He and Dick had spent a great deal of time fantasizing about the dick of Superman. And tonight he was going to get as close as he ever would in his young life.

"Well, that's all I needed to hear," Blaine said, "So, let's put on our roller blades, skate on down to Sebastian's, kick open that door, slowly take off his pants, and let him fuck us 'til we're men."

"Nice," Dick said, and the pair raced out their door.


End file.
